Since 2013 will end in a few more days, i'll let this post be the closing chapter.
The sudden realisation happened when my friends came over and for the first time ever in my life, I 1)got a birthday surprise 2)have more than 2 friends to celebrate my birthday. It was amazing and I suddenly felt this overwhelming sense of gratitude. I can honestly say, I'm generally a pretty gracious person. My mum did a good job in the graciousness department, raising us. Back to the birthday surprise, my mum and my sister knew about the surprise too. My mum even told my friends that i'm very hard to surprise because i can take the slightest hints. But they caught me freaking off guard, made me "omg" all the way haha. I thoroughly enjoyed myself being with the people who genuinely loved me and who i love so dearly. Addly is in Switzerland and on the day when my surprise happened, he found a gift for me from touring Switzerland that i really love. I have so much to be thankful for. Anyway, back to the point of this post. Before yesterday, i never believed in the power of friendship. And then again, it suddenly dawned upon me- yet again, when i thought about my past relationships. Before Addly, for a moment in time, i gave up believing in the power of relationships, the power of love. Cliche shit but real shit.
Backtrack to my secondary school days. People say that it's just a phase that you'll get over. But with each phase that you go through, the experiences mould you, it makes you.
Like Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie once said, "our histories cling on to us. We are shaped from where we come from."
If you read my weight loss post, you'll know i went through MANY significantly rough patches of my life in secondary school. I went into a secondary school that was affiliated to my primary school so i wouldn't say i was alien to everyone in my secondary school. I had an ok amount of friends. That's when i started my weight loss journey. For awhile it was okay, until my weight loss kicked into hyperdrive. For once in my life, i was doing something fucking amazing for myself. I wouldn't say i was bullied. I didn't even know what i did to get so much hatred. Sec 3 was okay, sec 4 was living hell. In addition to having to cope with O level stress- omg young mel hasn't seen A levels yet, i had to cope with being hated on. It was terrible. I would sit on the same table as the people who i thought were my friends. In the beginning it was ok, i never spoke much anyway. Then it got to the point where i'd be on my phone on twitter and they would be saying shit about me on twitter (never in my face), cursing and swearing at me indirectly while i was sitting in their presence. It was the type of insult that went, "I hope she cuts her lip with that straw she's biting(or smth like that)." I tolerated it for a long period of time, about 3-4 whole months. The insults were showered on me constantly, day after day, when i was sitting around with them. Firstly, i didn't know what i was being hated on for. Zero clue. None. Secondly, this was all happening on social media. I had to read it and pretend i was okay. I had to pretend to be okay with them. It eventually broke me so terribly that i finally moved away from them. This, was friendship disaster number one.
This other one happened almost concurrently when i hung out with another group of friends, a smaller group of friends. I thought, how bad could it be, right? At the same point of time, i was going out with a guy. I had the longest and the biggest crush of the century on this guy. No joke, i liked him for 2 whole months even before we spoke. When we went out i thought, i hit the jackpot. Life seemed to be looking up for me. For awhile, it went ok. I would never suspect anything until later on. Keeping in mind, this guy whom i had a crush on for the longest time ever, would ask me out occasionally and hang. What was i supposed to think? That there's nothing going on between us, right? Silly me. But i don't blame him- fully. Wow the next part is hard.
A friend from this group(of friends) went out with him as well, knowing that i still had feelings for him. I wasn't even phased because guys come and go, talk about being a badass bitch mel. Thing is, this one person, was so super close to me. I basically confided in her about almost everything, even about this guy i was seeing. She listened to me, she gave me advice, gave me her shoulder to cry on. Most importantly, she knew. I was of course, very moved by her actions and regarded her as well, a best friend. Maybe she didn't look at me the same. Or I wasn't enough. It was by coincidence, or so i was made to think, that i found out she and the guy did something i would then take a whole year to recover from, upon hearing. My other friends were talking about it pretty audibly and i was just near by. The person i basically depended on when it came to my troubles and my pain, my deepest darkest secrets, how is this happening to me? What did i do wrong? I was really really hurt, again. I, till this day, still don't know what i did to provoke them into doing this to me. I had this to think about, the guy, O levels, amongst other things. This ALL happened in a span of one year. One heart ache after another. Every night i would pray for God to take my pain away. It hurt me to this extent, yes. I was battered, broken, bruised and hurt terribly inside. In the guy's defence after that, he apologised for all he did. That was the only apology i got.
So yes, this is the Mel you haven't heard of yet. This Mel is still mending herself, is still learning how to trust, is still learning how to make friends and most importantly, learning how to love again. It's like rehab, and i'm glad i have friends who truly care and a boyfriend who is, not only caring, but is selfless enough to put my needs before his. Funny how this all happened in 2011 and i still get affected sometimes. But 2013 has been a year for reflections, for self-realisation, for soul-searching and for me to forgive myself. I have to thank my weight loss journey for teaching me how to cut out all the toxicity from my life. In the beginning it was toxic habits, later on it was toxic "friends". I was afraid that if i left my "friends", i'll be left with nobody. Now, I actually don't mind being alone and by myself, often. Popularity and fame won't get you far. The people who you think love you and care about you, might spite you behind your back. So pick and choose wisely.
Yesterday, i had a conversation with my younger sister and i said,"I don't care if i'm flying solo, as long as i'm soaring." I'm so happy that 2013 is over, i'm so happy that i can finally say i have 100% moved on. I've been blessed with family, friends and a loving boyfriend, i'm finally living. I try to practice gratitude as much as i can and as often as i can because retribution is inadvertent. This post is my way of recovering from the hurt. I deserve this for being a martyr.
The point of this post is to let you know that shit is bound to happen, a few hundred times or even more, throughout your life. People are gonna hurt you like crazy, but how you handle it is what matters. Don't let people step all over you, don't let people take advantage of your kindness. Learn how to say, "enough". Learn that your happiness shouldn't be at the expense of others. Most importantly, learn that your emotional and psychological health is most important. Spend time alone if you have to. Give yourself a chance. Forgive yourself for being weak at handling things. Become stronger. You're worth a lot more than you think.